I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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