hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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