dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
