im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
