Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
