I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
