Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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