I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
