i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
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figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
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The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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