just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
