Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
