I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
