I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
