Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
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