Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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