You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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