There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
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