hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
