Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.