The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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