No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
