Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
