Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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