Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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