The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
