I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
