i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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