FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
