You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
