dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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