So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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