She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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