wanna go halves on a baby?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
