There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
