in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
