Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize