Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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