my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
we're making bets on your personal life
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
