I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
