so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
