You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
