i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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