I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She bit a glass in half.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
