Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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