Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
