there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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