if i can run in heels then i can drive
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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