woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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