I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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