i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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