I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
