i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
