My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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