I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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