Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
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The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
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That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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