I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
