Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
