I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
