I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
